Amber writes, “My boyfriend has been living with me for five years, but last week he just left to go back to his wife (yes, I was dating a married man who was not divorced but separated). His reason was because after six years he hoped that the divorce would have worked itself out and that she would have moved on. He treated me really good, we took trips together, did fun things together everyday. I recently gave him an ultimatum to stop having other women call our cell phone we shared and to get divorced. The confusing part is that even hours before he left he was still acting like we were a couple, cooking dinner for me while I was at work. His wife purchased the ticket for him to go back to Alabama. The night before he left we had a long talk the first time in our relationship that made sense. He said to me that because of every thing that went on I may not think he every loved me. He said that he really did love me. So I asked if he loved me then why was he going back to his wife after 5 years, his answer was he doesn’t know. One night we had a major argument about me not treating him like a king. I thought that he was saying he was a king because he wanted all these women. We talked and I thought he was going to stay but I think it was too much because she already purchased the ticket and there was no turning back. Before he left he said to me he was going to give us a week or so to change. I don’t know what to think. His family is very surprised with his actions because they thought he has moved on and they are just as confused as I am. He told them when he went home to give him time to get himself together. I hope that the the love we have for one another will bring him back. I also tell myself that I need to face reality that he’s not coming back. His sisters seem to think that we’re not over yet. He went back to get closure before he moves on. I would really like to know what you think and get some advice. On the day he left I went for a walk and he came to the door and asked me is there any thing he could do before he leaves and he said ‘I love you’ and if we are meant to be together, he will be back. I am really confused with everything. I think he just want to thinks before he moves on. I may be in denial; help me Jay.”
Feelings for an ex are common: While some people keep thinking of their exes even after a divorce, it is even more likely for someone who is not divorced. Because they have not divorced, it means that they still have some feelings for each other and it is so easy for them to just get back together. I always tell my readers not to fall for someone who is married and refuses to divorce right away. It is also a bad idea to move in with someone who is not divorced because the prospect of a heartbreak are so high.
I am also very troubled by the fact that while he was separated from his wife and was living with another woman, he was also messing with other women. What is wrong with him? And why did you tolerate this for so long? While this is inexcusable, maybe he is also very confused about what he wants in life, who he loves, and what he should do. His actions speak of a man who is unstable, confused, and selfish.
You have wasted six years of your life with this man and while he did create some sweet memories for you, there is nothing more than that. He does not look like an awful man because till the last day he treated you well, but he is also very confused and cannot be trusted.
Wait only for a definite time, and not forever: I would like to advise you to put the past behind you and move on because he seems to be moving on with his wife. In case you want to wait for him, because of the trust you have in your love for each other (though I am not so sure because if the love was so strong why did he just pack up and leave? I mean just because his wife gave him a ticket if he genuinely loved you he would have told her that he will simply mail her a check for the amount but was not interested in reuniting), I would say that you set a time limit, say 3 months, and after that you move on. If during this time he does come back, you let him enter the house only on certain conditions, that he will go the next day with you to a divorce attorney and that you will not be intimate with him till they are divorced.